--- title: "Holding Space for the Mess: Trusting God's Sovereignty in Children's Stories" date: 2026-10-09T06:46:00-05:00 author: Jennifer Vermeer canonical_url: "https://www.dordt.edu/in-all-things/holding-space-for-the-mess-trusting-gods-sovereignty-in-childrens-stories" section: In All Things --- [ View All Articles](https://www.dordt.edu/in-all-things) [Essays](https://www.dordt.edu/in-all-things?category=essays) Oct 9, 2026 # Holding Space for the Mess: Trusting God's Sovereignty in Children's Stories By [Jennifer Den Boer](https://www.dordt.edu/people/jennifer-den-boer-2) In a world of constant feedback and perfectionistic ideals, how might the challenges of raising children prompt us to embrace God’s design for limits and trust in His sovereign plan? ![](https://d3evso2dxyohou.cloudfront.net/generalUploads/iat-holding-space.jpg?mode=crop&pos=center-center&w=66&h=57&f=webp&c=975ad993&v=2495974973fe6f7eb0ab88d843428034deba341fd202d65960add35352850807) ![]()Do you recall a time as a child that you had an emotional outburst that was a little messy? When I was in elementary school, I recall a very specific memory where my childhood friends and I were planning to go swimming at an indoor pool in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I was so excited and looking forward to this outing. Something happened that kept us from going. I remember having the biggest emotional meltdown and responding with dysregulation, anger, and frustration. My mom held space for my “messy feelings,” allowed me to “ride the wave of emotions,” and then, once I calmed down, talked about how feelings are okay to have, but how we react to those feelings is incredibly important. We sat and problem-solved a better approach to my anger and frustration. Eventually, I was able to go swimming with those friends, and it all “felt” right in my world. In that messy moment, I believe my mom showed me Jesus' love through her patience and grace. Messiness reveals our humanness, which also reveals our deep need for the grace of our Savior. The other reason I am sharing this story is because being a child comes with messiness and figuring things out. As a play therapist I get to sit in the “messiness” - whether an actual mess of toys, paint, or everyday life. Having been a child with messy feelings and now a therapist working with kids, I have been able to see the benefit of leaving room for the messiness. Childhood is messy and never meant to be “perfectly neat.” Play is a child’s natural language, and one of the ways we can help children engage with the world around them. Allowing messiness and teaching kids to cope with the messiness by providing love, grace, structure, and discipline around the messiness can help children learn to grow and thrive, helping them become who the Lord has called them to be. Additionally, since the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25, children and young adults will need ongoing support to manage their messy moments. God designed our children to not be fully developed, so that adults can walk alongside them and direct them toward healthy approaches to dealing with disappointment and failure. > our children need us to walk alongside them in their hardest, messiest moments and help them recognize the relentless truth of the gospel—our sinfulness and need for a Savior. Ultimately, our children need us to walk alongside them in their hardest, messiest moments and help them recognize the relentless truth of the gospel—our sinfulness and need for a Savior. While each child is made unique in the image of God, below are a few helpful tools to help children and adults navigate the messy but meaningful moments that will help them grow and thrive. **Give children the language to name their emotions.** When children are emotionally dysregulated, they cannot reason with you as they are in their “survival brain,” not their prefrontal cortex or thinking brain. Naming emotions helps “tame” them and get back to reasoning more quickly. This concept comes from Daniel J. Siegel, a clinical professor of psychology at UCLA and executive director at the Mindsight Institute. A quote from his book *Brainstorm* reads as follows: “In the brain, naming an emotion can help calm it. Here is where finding words to label an internal experience becomes really helpful. We can call this “Name it to tame it.” And sometimes these low-road states can go beyond being unpleasant and confusing—they can even make life feel terrifying. If that's happening, talk about it. Sharing your experience with others can often make even terrifying moments understood and not traumatizing. Your inner sea and your interpersonal relationships will all benefit from naming what is going on and bringing more integration into your life.” Just as God created us with a desire to be named and known, we can also help children name their emotions, which will help their brains come “back online” ![](https://d3evso2dxyohou.cloudfront.net/generalUploads/iat-holding-space_2026-09-29-121823_ndov.jpg?mode=fit&pos=center-center&w=57&h=65&c=62267924&v=2e6c6caaea1cee124a73244cb94a356dd4bb9a38b4bcc665f83ef6ed49bf6b77) **As the adult, model regulation and how to cope in big emotional moments**. This concept is one I learned in my Synergetic Play Therapy training, and it is called the “mirror neuron system.” My favorite trainer to date shares this on the mirror neuron system: “Children learn how to regulate their own emotions by watching and perceiving their caregiver responses. Children learn through observation because of the mirror neuron system. It’s the “I feel what you feel” emotional empathy system. We can use it to get in sync with other people’s emotions by reading facial expressions and body language and interpreting the tone of voice.” -Lisa Dion As adults, we have the opportunity to teach kids how to handle their big emotions by modeling how to handle ourselves. **Give children tools for self-regulation.** Help kids identify what helps them regulate those “messy moments.”. Maybe it is deep breathing (one of the quickest ways to regulate the nervous system). Some of my favorite techniques include visual cues, such as box breathing, cookie/cake breathing, and figure 8 breathing. I typically find these breathing techniques on google, print them out, and have children trace these with their fingers, or visualize these in their mind as a grounding and coping tool. For some kids, movement can also quickly regulate the nervous system, whether it’s dancing, running, pushing something heavy (or the wall), or swinging; anything works! Find the child’s favorite type of movement or coping strategy and implement it consistently. **Set healthy and realistic expectations and follow through**. During big emotional and messy moments, our kids need realistic expectations and follow through that will send cues of safety and regulation to the nervous system. > In a world of constant feedback, fast paced results, and perfectionistic ideals, it is easy to forget that God created us all with limits, opportunities for growth, and need to rely on others. What might that look like? First, recognize that children’s brains are still developing and need additional tools for support. This could look like short, direct commands when asked to do something, not lectures; keeping a neutral tone of voice and a soft facial expression; and doing one thing at a time, so you don't overwhelm their brain and body. Continuing to implement these expectations over time will help children learn, grow, and thrive. **You are loved, regardless**. Remind children that they are loved regardless of their emotions and their messiness. Just as we model healthy coping strategies, we must remind ourselves and our children that we will all fall short. This doesn’t mean that we excuse behaviors, but as the adults in children’s lives, we get to return to them after an emotionally hard moment—which is called a rupture—remind them how deeply they are loved by Jesus and others and walk with them to repair and grow into who God has made them to be. In a world of constant feedback, fast paced results, and perfectionistic ideals, it is easy to forget that God created us all with limits, opportunities for growth, and need to rely on others. As we seek to raise children as image bearers, let’s remember that their messiness is a part of their story, the Lord is sovereign over their lives, and that He is using it in His plan to make all things new. ## Related Articles [### Why Children's Books Were Never Meant Just for Kids What stories are we missing out on simply because they sit in a section we believe no longer belongs to us? Learn More ](https://www.dordt.edu/in-all-things/why-childrens-books-were-never-meant-just-for-kids) [### Four Ways Our Daily Conversations Shape Our Children’s View of the World Our daily interactions have a lasting influence on how children understand people, navigate cultural change, and reflect Christian values. This article explores four practical ways family communication shapes a child's worldview and use of language. Learn More ](https://www.dordt.edu/in-all-things/four-ways-our-daily-conversations-shape-our-childrens-view-of-the-world) ## Get the Newsletter Subscribe to the In All Things newsletter to receive biweekly updates with the latest content. ![](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAAAAACH5BAEKAAEALAAAAAABAAEAAAICTAEAOw==) ![](https://d3evso2dxyohou.cloudfront.net/generalUploads/i-pGGqLGs-X3_2024-11-13-195007.jpg?mode=fit&pos=center-center&w=50&h=50&c=bc00656c&v=e62248e5eafc8148fb71cd9e499265bf439690ef7d9aed43b8b6fbdad8b7d04a) ![](https://d3evso2dxyohou.cloudfront.net/generalUploads/people/IMG_8167.jpeg?mode=crop&pos=top-center&w=25&h=25&f=webp&c=1ebfe8d3&v=d46d17dd7658b31a68fb38543ddecd282c68def9a3c7660f30a11b841d49fb0b) ### About the Author Jennifer Den Boer Jennifer Den Boer serves as an Assistant Adjunct Professor of Social Work at Dordt University and currently practices therapy at Elevate Therapy + Assessment. She enjoys serving families and children and teaching them how to regulate their nervous systems through play and to overcome challenges they may face with mental and emotional health in everyday life. [Learn More ](https://www.dordt.edu/people/jennifer-den-boer-2) --- [Next Article ![](https://d3evso2dxyohou.cloudfront.net/generalUploads/iat-humanness-lament.jpg?mode=crop&pos=center-center&w=56&h=33&f=webp&c=897389cd&v=c2692489e1ae993b4bc69608f603f416b4a0b75bb636a31ce7d6ca2886670f85) Essays Sep 29, 2026 ## The Humanness and Faithfulness of Lament By Sierra Pearson Read More ](https://www.dordt.edu/in-all-things/the-humanness-and-faithfulness-of-lament) [ ![]() ## In All Things View Articles ](https://www.dordt.edu/in-all-things)